Confession time; I only ever got into Eurovision because I thought it was cool…

Not cool in the inconoclastic sense mind, but more a multi-cultural mosaic of inclusive campery kind of way. Though throughout its sixty-five years of being the Eurovision Song Contest has had its fair share mic-drop moments and political fiascos, it still maintains an aura of disarming cheesiness that remains stunningly impervious to most manners of critical scrutiny. More recently though, Eurovision’s cultural credo has extended further afield than ever before, courting appearances from Justin Timberlake and Madonna for half-time slots at the grand final as well as getting its own feature film courtesy of superfan Will Ferrell, which even rather fittingly managed to get nominated at the Oscars for Best Song this year.

And so, the apparently apolitical behemoth of pop is back from the cold of pandemic-stricken 2020 for another blast of dayglo dizziness, diva turns and highly questionable costuming, it’s smiling benevolence ready to chase all your day-to-day worries away for a whole week of earnest escapism. And in preparation for this annual event from the pop world’s closest approximation to the United Nations, I have deigned to review each entry and give my personal read of the quality of selections this year. Granted, most of the allure of Eurovision comes from the anticipation of agogness from the live performances so these ratings may change after the actual night. But hey, in case you need a pointer of two, here is my rundown, worst to best, of Eurovision 2021…

BLIND CHANNEL – “Dark Side”

Aah, nu-metal, is there any party that you cannot kill dead in its tracks? Still, points for energy at least…

 

ANA SOKLIČ – “Amen”

The first of a handful of gospel-flavoured entries this year, with Soklič vocalising a path somewhere between Anastacia and LeAnn Rimes whilst delivering an earnest-yet-overegged sermon.

 

JAMES NEWMAN – “Embers”

It’s not shit, which seems to be enough to put it into most people’s good graces, so yay, well done everyone, I guess…

 

UKU SUVISTE – “The Lucky One”

This plodding break-up ballad may feature the most handsome contestant this year, however this cross between Zac Efron and Liam Hemsworth ends up sounding like Michael Bolton, stripping all the allure away in the process.

 

VASIL – “Here I Stand”

Reminiscent of the triumphant reprise of every main character’s “I Want” ballad from the finale of every Disney movie you have ever seen, the end result is a sweetly bland slice of mildly inoffensive cheese.

 

ANXHELA PERSISTERI – “Karma”

Always counted on to provide something vocally bombastic for their submission, Albania’s effort packs in plenty of drama in its breathless three minutes but fails to leave any lasting impression in trying to tie in so much.

 

ELENA TSAGRINOU – “El Diablo”

Yeah, I preferred “Bad Romance” the first time around too.

 

ALBINA – “Tick-Tock”

A generic Eurobeat banger that never really lifts off the ground despite a video that seems to be going for a “Gaga Goes To Matalan” vibe, especially with those male dancers selling the “Unfinished Knitwear” range.

 

SENHIT FEATURING FLO RIDA – “Adrenalina”

Paying out for a huge (though somewhat laughably composited in) guest star and a video set up that suggests a “hush-hush rave” at an M&S garden party, San Marino have pulled out more stops than most this year, so it’s a shame the song itself never quite catches fire.

 

NATALIA GORDIENKO – “Sugar”

It’s not so much a song but rather a pretty good dance routine with the odd vocal hook thrown in to stop it wafting away to disqualification, but kudos are due for adhering to its to theme so sweetly and stickily.

 

HURRICANE – “Loco Loco”

For anyone who was sad for the Pussycat Dolls reunion tour not happening last year, this guiltily pleasurable blast of Eastern European discobeat cheese should sate your appetite.

 

BENNY CRISTO – “Omaga”

The entry from Czech Republic this year earns points for being the most carefree and breezy effort of the bunch, which considering the song talks about love during the apocalypse is no mean feat.

 

RAFAŁ – “The Ride”

Going for a cool synthwave sheen à la The Weeknd, Poland’s song is catchy but also a tad reductive and unengaging, feeling more like the first draft of an 80s action theme than the real thing.

 

JENDRIK – “I Don’t Feel Hate”

For treading the line between cute and annoying a tad too belligerently, Germany’s stab at satire via cutesy folk-pop ranks as one of the more polarising entries this year, even if the anti-bullying message is worthy of applause.

 

STEFANIA – “Last Dance”

More disco pop with an end-times influence this way plays, with Stefania/”Opa Lipa” wading through a well-arranged bevy of dramatic synths with just enough energy to coast by agreeably without much distinction.

 

TUSSE – “Voices”

A bland radio-friendly mid-tempo ballad that never quite reaches the height it is striving for, which is made even more frustrating when you factor in the evident charm and gorgeous tone of its lead performer.

 

VINCENT BUENO – “Amen”

Not so much a song rather an anguished lament made amidst a crisis of faith, Bueno’s song is commendably emotional but definitely an awkward fit for anyone expecting Eurovision’s typical rainbows and whistles.

 

LESLEY ROY – “Maps”

Questionable choice of cross-country running attire aside, Ms Roy acquits herself well here with a giddily upbeat blast of Celtic-infused wanderlust.

 

EDEN ALENE – “Set Me Free”

The song itself though is a pretty good slice of sassy, Ariana-indebted R&B; whether it’s enough to distract from the intensifying bombardment on Palestine this past week though…

 

TIX – “Fallen Angel”

An angelic ballad that draws on its creator’s experience to deliver something more involving and emotional than your usual fare, not least in the tastefully twee synth arrangements.

 

THE ROOP – “Discotheque”

This quirky little indie-disco ramble feels more like the middle section of a gorgeous remix than an actual song; extra points for the impish energy and impressive fingering though.

 

TORNIKE KIPIANI – “You”

You can be forgiven for thinking that you were not going to hear some lovely psychedelic folk-pop, but this welcome entry from Georgia is quite the palette cleanser for all the typical Eurovision campery on display.

 

VICTORIA – “Growing Up Is Getting Old”

A winsomely whimsical ballad with exceptional swell and swoon that would not feel amiss soundtracking the next John Lewis Christmas ad campaign (with a tie-in teddy bear mascot already thrown in too!)

 

ROXEN – “Amnesia”

Aiming for a sweet spot between Billie Eilish and Eurovision idol Loreen, Roxen delivers an angsty mid-tempo ballad full of drama that has enough heft to commendably lift it higher than at least half of the other entries.

 

BLAS CANTÓ – “Voy a Quedarme”

Spain are going for the big cross-generational feels this year, appealing to all manner of soft-hearted pop fans with a soaring ballad about memory and loss featuring vinyl record players and the best quiff in the competition.

 

THE BLACK MAMBA – “Love Is On My Side”

Trading in a similar vein of clean and simple classic pop that led to their win back in 2017, Portugal’s entry this year pins a unique voice to a timeless arrangement to provide one of the more wistfully lovely songs in contention.

 

HOOVERPHONIC – “The Wrong Place”

Returning for another crack at the contest after 2020’s not-happening, The Belgian Cardigans come back with a hauntingly classy piece of adult-oriented pop that offers a lovely respite from the rest of the competition’s overtly cheesy charms.

 

MÅNESKIN – “Zitti e buoni”

A decent piece of pop-punk thrash coming from Italy this year, a blast of acidic cool that sits somewhere between Placebo and The Vines.

 

GO_A – “SHUM”

Ukraine’s entry this year is the kind of spasmodic embellishment one can always find somewhere in Eurovision; a fiercely dark-techno banger with multiple tempo changes that bewilders as much as it entertains.

 

DESTINY – “Je Me Casse”

Going for a body positive/female empowerment anthem, Malta’s entry is certainly feisty enough to gain serious traction thanks largely to Destiny’s adorable sass papering over some of the clunky lyrics and a seriously flatulent saxophone.

 

SAMANTA TINA – “The Moon Is Rising”

Armed with a voice similar to the booming power of Jessie J without her incessant tics of over-delivery, Samanta Tina delivers a bruising performance for Latvia with this attitude-filled melange of trap beats and traditional pop.

 

FYR & FLAMME – “Ove Os Pa Hinanden”

Danish Shane Richie and guitar-wielding guest concoct a throwback banger that is so unironically cheesy and lacking in present-day cool that it comes out the other side as one of the most purely entertaining songs of the year; only on Eurovision, right?

 

JEANGU MACROOY – “Birth Of A New Age”

Defending the title for Netherlands, Macrooy’s joyous submission is rich with the kind of robust artistry and integrity rarely found in most Eurovision songs, and is all the better breath of fresh air for it.

 

MONTAIGNE – “Technicolour”

Between the SOPHIE-style electro-pop production and the sweet affect of Montaigne’s vocal (that broken run on the pre-chorus is just adorable), this delightful ditty only has geographical distance to blame if it doesn’t chart high.

 

EFENDI – “Mata Hari”

A popular would-be entrant from last year, Efendi’s second swing for the Eurovision title might not be as sublimely ridiculous or rambunctious as her previous effort, but it’s still a shit-load of fun.

 

BARBARA PRAVI – “Voilà”

Out of the contestants harkening back to pop music of the past, Pravi’s spellbinding ballad indebted to Édith Piaf easily ranks as the best, though it may lean a little too heavily onto tradition to win.

 

DAÐI & GAGNAMAGNID – “10 Years”

It might not be the blast of fresh air that Daði and company’s previous piece was, but the follow up to “Think About Things” is still a dry piece of post-disco fabulousness that stands tall above most of the competition.

 

MANIZHA – “Russian Woman”

This feisty future-pop bop is an affirmingly buoyant reconciliation of modernity and tradition, as well as the most progressive thing to emerge from Mother Russia in a long time (which, sadly, Manizha has had to defend herself for in her home country).

 

GJON’S TEARS – “Tout l’univers”

The best ballad of the competition this year by some margin, Gjon’s prettily pained falsetto is complemented perfectly by a portentous slow build of high orchestral drama; as potential winners go, it gets my vote.

For now, anyway…

It could all change as soon as the first semi-final tomorrow night; in the meantime, do leave a comment below if you have any qualms about my ranking or want to recount your favourite Eurovision moment.

Until then, xxxo